you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
