i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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