I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Don't tell me you're on acid again
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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