my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
