a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
