so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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