Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
