I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
