make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
