Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
