Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
