I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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