She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
