Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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