I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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