Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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