So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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