I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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