When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Randomize
