Moan for me like Helen Keller
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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