Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
