he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
