You just made me feel so damn special
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
