I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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