Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
