dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
