Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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