my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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