Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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