ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
