I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
God, I missed his penis.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
