Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
