She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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