I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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