Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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