you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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