please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
