So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
