I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
