Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
