i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
two words...techno handjob
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
