i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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