there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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