Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
