Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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