Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
