Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
