drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
