i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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