Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
