The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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