Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
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