She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
