he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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