He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
