I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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