I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
