If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
