I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
