how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
