Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
