I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
