I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
